Comin' Out Tha Closet
Parody of "Cleaning Out My Closet" by Eminem


(How's my hair? Does my hair look ok today?)
Yeah, yo yo!

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?
I have, I've been protested and demonstrated against!
The rainbow sign on my new ride makes people get snide
I see the gestures and looks from cars that come up behind

It hurts my feelings, I'm reeling from my sexual preference
But I'm still a man like you with semen in my vas deferens
Just use it different, my mind's spent, and I know that it sucks
But I just can't help I get a rise from masculine buttocks

The vision of true manhood's always been in my sights
Like hunting, beer and football... ooh, I do like men wearing tights...
But now, I bet you'll probably disown me now,
Won't you daddy?
But it's time for the truth to come out...

I'm sorry papa! I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to bruise your pride but tonight I'm comin' out tha closet!
I'm sorry papa! I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to wound your pride but tonight I'm comin' out tha closet!

I've got a really big closet and I just don't care who knows it
So I'm opening it up, although you wish that I'd close it
I'll expose it, and rest assured that I'm gonna hit
On any man who even vaguely may resemble Brad Pitt

And that George Clooney! He really has me lickin' my lips
I like those old '50s shows with Elvis shakin' those hips
I'll eclipse the booty-rumpus if it's shoved in my face
And can you handle that dad? Am I your biggest disgrace?

Look at it this way, and it may be cause for giving you pause
But you're the one who brought me up on Wizard of Oz
So Judy Garland was the one who taught me to be a man
And all those times we sat at home listening to Barbara Streisand

So wait dad! You just don't have a reason judge
The reality of the fact your boy is packing the fudge
So just accept it, although I know it's making you mad
And by the way,
In those jeans you're looking real sexy dad...

I'm sorry papa! I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to wound your pride but tonight I'm comin' out tha closet!
I'm sorry papa! I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to bruise your pride but tonight I'm comin' out tha closet!

I'd like you to meet my boyfriend but you would just kick his ass
And that is what I count on to make my pleasure last
So I'll pass... and really try to not be so crass
As I tell you of my feelings you'll just toss in the trash

It's hit you hard but remember back how things used to be?
When I'd stand there in the bathroom watching you pee?
You taught me through your example how things oughtta run,
"To make a hot dog always place the weenie firm in the bun!"

And isn't that the stuff that formed my persona dad?
Isn't that the reason that you're getting so mad?
It's too bad and I know you're feeling like you have failed
But I still will drive my rickshaw up his Ho Chi Mihn trail !

I blame mom too... and my neck you may throttle
But she teased me with the breast and only gave me the bottle
Don't be started, oh dad, cuz that isn't all
When momma's not around I wear her clothes like RuPaul

So I'll close now... because my story's all told
Now you know instead of stars I'd rather gaze at black holes
And I know, I see that tear forming in your eye
But like Sir Mix-a-Lot I like them big butts, I can't lie!

I'm sorry papa! I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to bruise your pride but tonight I'm comin' out tha closet!
(and I'll say it one more time)
I'm sorry papa! I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to wound your pride but tonight I'm comin' out tha closet!

* Song copyright Eminem, parody lyrics copyright Eric Tomme 2003